“Chicken out” Shameful — From 600K to 0 and shame

 

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Fuck! I had to “ask” (was going to use the word “beg”, but it may be a bit exaggerated) repeatedly for the opportunity to “Chicken out”.

Anyway, I accepted the offer and now I am again waiting, for the start date to be confirmed. Probably, it is going to be next week.

Hopefully, this puts an end to the phase of my life, where I am constantly under the influence of the accident that happened about three years ago. 

It has affected how I think and how I behave in the past three years, which led me from suffering losses to suffering bigger losses and ultimately to what I had to go through this year.

I could never undo it, so in that sense, it will stick with me forever. And the tangible losses are going to be felt in the days to come for sure. 

I hope what I went through this year could allow me to put this accident behind me mentally and I could start anew!

Photo by Gia Oris on Unsplash

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1. Shameful failures

Photo by Chitto Cancio on Unsplash

I can only describe what I went through this year as shameful failures.

3 years ago, a family event took an unfortunate turn. 

The cost for me and my family to pay was very heavy. Apart from mental suffering, money, time, career progression and etc, it could also have caused me my job.

However, I managed to keep my job with the help of my direct manager. It was not a bad resolution at all no matter how I saw it. Things could have been much worse.

I could have just put the whole accident behind me and carried on with my life. I have support from my family and a well-paid job with great work-life balance. What else could I ask for?

But I just could not let it go. For the one year that followed, I was struggling and miserable.

On one hand, I kept struggling with the losses I suffered and kept trying to compensate. 

On the other hand, I interpreted the good work-life balance as a waste of time. I thought to myself that I was so young and I should be fighting for a higher position and bigger salary.

When it became clear that the reality in the company would not allow my promotion and pay raises any time soon, I became frustrated, annoyingly querulous, sensitive and arrogant. 

So I looked outside and got two offers. While both were great, I picked one.

The offer satisfied my wants: higher title and much bigger salary. I mentioned 300K in my previous post and now it is about 600K due to the options. At that time, it was enough to prove to my company that I deserved much better. 

My life could have gone on that path and I would probably still be feeling “I am right and successful” while working like mad for higher titles and bigger salaries.

Then, as you all knew, the offer got retracted. 

So I was left jobless two weeks before my notice period would end. I was very worried or even scared.

I “shamefully” tried to rejoin my previous company. I had been a “victor” showing everyone that I deserved better and I could get it elsewhere if I was not given here. A mere month later, I was the “beggar” trying to come back to the company.

I failed. One VP was trying to take me in, but his headcount got cancelled after he submitted the request. I could see that he really tried. And he was the VP who took me in now.

Then Covid-19 started to be felt and I was looking for a job.

My mentor in my consulting career reached out to me to join him in China and promised to get me an offer despite the headcount freeze.

I accepted and gave up the few interviews that followed and focused on the new position as I could see its big learning and growth potential. Most importantly, I would be working with a manger who would look for reasons to promote me, instead of looking for excuses to suppress me.

Then Covid-19 really hit. My onboarding was delayed again and again because I just could not travel to China.

And my mentor’s plan also encountered significant roadblocks. Most of the money he promised me as freelancer until I onboarded never reached me.

However, I was really into it. I rejected the VP when he asked me to go back in Jun.

I did not mention this to my mentor until afterwards. He expressed that he was open because no one expected the boarder to be closed for so long.

Then the company who retracted my offer reached out for the same position. I was happy and thought we could start afresh, because I knew I could do the job. Then the communication was canceled one or two hours before it happened.

I felt hard to understand. 

But I did not really start looking for a job seriously. On one hand, I was still running projects for my mentor and hoping the boarder would open soon. On the other hand, I just got tired and lazy from all the work and worrying.

Until the VP reached out to me again. And this time, I said “Yes” very seriously.

While feeling pity that I might have given up the China opportunity just before the dawn, I was looking forward to going back.

I could finally go back to “normal” life. I could almost feel the relaxing feelings, knowing paycheck will come at the end of the month and I have a job that I can build on again.

The VP repeatedly said he needed me urgently. I was hoping to start the next week because it surely sounded like that way.

Then the offer only came after 7 weeks.

During the process, I repeatedly checked on status and the VP repeatedly assured me that it was going as planned, till the point I stopped checking.

And when it did come, the pay was 15% lower than my last drawn before I left. I thought the salary would at least be matched, even out of curtesy. Isn’t that usually the case?

I felt insulted by the long wait and salary reduction. The VP did express he had plans for my promotion and recovery of salary etc. Based on the long wait of the offer, I could not fully trust him.

But I still “shamefully” accepted the offer. 

I knew there was room for negotiation on the salary. But I was tired and bored as fuck. I guess this is what being jobless does to people.

I needed to take a break and recollect myself and I thought it would be more challenging if I did not have something tangible.

And there would be new things to learn in this position, related to the buzz word now, 5G and IOT.

And both the VP and HR repeatedly hinted to me that they went through a lot to get me this offer. I guess they did want and expect me to accept it.

So I accepted and I would try my best to assist the VP while I am on the job.

Then the next step is to secure the earliest start date. 

So now I “shamefully” stalk the HR to try to secure an earlier date.

Never before, had I waited for so long for an offer or actively stalked the HR for an earlier start date. Things came to me. It seemed that I always had choices. I would have walked away in cases like this.

I guess there is a first time for everything. 

When we were young, maybe things go for the better. The first time for getting the 1st place, travelling the word, getting the scholarship, falling in love, securing a job beyond expectations, being a father…

And getting into middle-age with a family, the opposite may become the norm. The first time for being scared of losing a job, “shamefully” asking for a job and an earlier start date, realizing it is a scary world out there, feeling helpless and hopeless, crying in the middle of the night and being afraid of making a sound, slapping myself on the face so hard that it still hurts after a week…

It would not be exaggerated to call this experience shameful failures.

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2. Shameful causes

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For me to end up where I am now, I made at least 7 worst decisions in a row, some of which even I cannot comprehend now because they are totally illogical and irrational. 

When I thought back, what led me from one wrong decision to another are below 5 flaws of mine. I believe these are still shallow explanations. I believe more will come to me with time.

a. Cannot understand what life is really about

I always tried to be first, ahead of others. I had to get promoted first and I had to get bigger salaries than others. And it all became excuses for me to feel superior over others.

I almost never thought about what life was really about. And I never had a life goal.

It was sad and uncomfortable to realize that. So I deferred it again and again using as excuses “I will just get successful and rich. Then it will not be a problem”.

Without a goal, I always force myself to do things I do not enjoy for something I may not even need. But when I do not get what I work for, I become anxious because that means I have failed.

And then I try harder to get more of what I may not need.

This vicious circle sucks all pleasure out of life.

b. Do not know how to appreciate

My previous manager helped me keep the job in my previous company. I should have been more grateful for their help.

While I was really grateful in the beginning, it faded quickly in the face of office politics and mistreatment. 

I should have kept it longer on my side no matter what happened.

If I did not look for jobs outside, I would have avoided this whole thing entirely. 

Doing the right thing does pay off. I understand and believe that now.

c. Cannot stop blaming

I blame me for making stupid decisions and over-estimating the kindness of people.

I blame the company that retracted the offer for leaving me in the ditch.

I blame my previous manager for not recognizing my contributions and being determined not to promote me or give me any raise, despite his help in keeping my job.

I blame the pandemic. Without it, I would have gone to China and started building my new career with high growth potential, which seemed so close.

I blame everything. Why did I have to go through this? I have not hurt anyone or done anything unforgivable. I am just one honest guy who only wants to build a good life for his family through hard work. I even think about contributing to the society after providing enough for my family.

However, blaming only ruins my mood and forces me to make decisions that are not optimal or even logical.

d. Cannot see and not willing to accept the facts as they are

The fact is that I am not as capable and valuable as I think.

Without the platform (a job in this case), I am simply not able to generate enough income in a short while and I feel scared, while the platform can survive just fine.

I think it is a blessing that I realize that now.

Because in the end, I am the one responsible for myself.

Because in the end, no one is obligated to be nice to me.

We all need to face the reality and accept that we will all be shaped by reality, no matter how unwilling we are.

Fairy tails and dreams can only be built on something substantial.

e. Cannot accept the losses and plan for the best actions forward (added 2020–11–13)

Whenever I suffered losses, I was always thinking about getting it back. When I got it back, I was thinking about interests. So it was never enough for me. And this affected me in very bad ways, such as extremely lack of patience.

I just could not accept that that was “sunk costs” and should not affect my decisions going forward. Apparently knowing does not mean correct actions.

I need to stop this. 

I made a tracking sheet to keep track of my losses for this incident back in June when I rejected the VP. I decided not to look at it again any time soon.

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3. Next Steps

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What should I do now? 

I do not have a plan yet. But I know I need to keep going.

Biden lost his wife and got a very dangerous decrease as a middle-aged man and lost his favorite son as an old man. He recovered and will most likely become the president at the age of 77.

Compared to him, my frustrations, however shameful, are not remotely comparable. And I am just past 30.

I’ve got no excuses not to keep going.

The question is how.

I do not know clearly yet. 

I need to stop, recollect myself and set out again. 

But that does not means doing nothing. I plan to follow below routine until I have a better idea what to do.

• one book per week
• one blog post per week
• at least one LinkedIn post about work (could be very short to start with)

While I need to think about what to do exactly, two things are clear.

1. I need to build something of my own so that I will still have something if I become jobless again in the future for whatever reason. Otherwise, I would really have wasted this whole crisis.
2. This blog will be an important part of it. And going forward, I would like this blog to be more about you than me. I will still share my experiences and thoughts, only as a way for you to observe something useful for you. 

Please do support me by sharing this blog to those who you think might benefit from my experience.

Till the next time!