I was given "my life" back and I said "No" and I do not know how I feel

Dear Readers,

Thank you for coming here.

I got a call earlier this week from one of the VPs in my previous company.

He offered me what I wanted but could not get while I was still there: a promotion in title and a reasonable pay increment.

Essentially, I was given "my life" back with more perks.

I was pleasantly surprised. I missed my previous job in the past few months so many times: the feeling of having everything under control, the "better than great" work-life balance, the perks and of course the paycheck.

In the end, however, I said No to him.

The reason was simple.

1. My mentor decided to take me in and actually got me an offer when I had nothing and when his company decided to freeze headcount. And he kept the offer for me until now. I also did accept the offer. How could I break the promise and contract at the first sight of other options?

2. From a long term perspective, sticking to the current offer is better for me. As a minimum, I will get the challenges and the learning that comes along, which represents the opportunity to reach "another level" of capabilities, self-satisfaction and life.

However, knowing this so clearly, it was still so damn hard to let go of the certainty and comfort at my fingertips.

I had to repeatedly tell myself that I needed to look at the long term, that I could not be satisfied with "my old life" after all I had gone through in the past few months, that I was more ambitious than that and my family and I deserved better than that...

What came out even more often was how this new offer could enable me to live an easy life, stay with my family, get my family covered under a great insurance scheme, and the pleasant feeling I would get when I accepted the offer...

What also kept coming out was self-doubt: what if I failed the challenges in my current offer, what if I had to wait another few months before I could onboard, what if I could not get the pay for the past 5 months and the few months I still would have to wait, what if I could not find a comparable job offer in the future...

It was so difficult to finally finalize the decision and pick up the phone to inform the VP.

And I felt terrible afterwards.

But thinking back how I have been making decisions, I probably should feel terrible.

It was my first decision against all "feelings" that I could remember.

I am a typical "feeling" person when it comes to decisions. When faced with difficult decisions, I usually let it sink in, wait until my feelings become amply clear and go with my feelings.

This decision was against my feelings. I felt I should go with the new offer because of the certainty and the "Easy" mode it offers.

After all, why cannot I take the easy route?

After all, why do I have to take the "hard" mode all the time?

After all, to succeed in my current offer, there are so many challenges to overcome and things are exactly not at their best now.

Now that I have made and carried out the decision, I have rationalized it which means I feel better now.

That is what I am going to keep in my head:

1. I made the decision for me

2. I need to make the decision right, after all the struggles and the certainty and comfort I let go

3. I will check on #2 after two years.

Till the next time!