Thursday, July 15, 2021

Back in time…

 

Photo by Andy Beales on Unsplash

Dear Readers,

Thank you for coming here!


For the first time in my life, I cannot stop thinking about how much better my life would be if I could go back in time.

The thoughts just keep coming up in my mind and grabbing my attention.

I do not know what this means…

Photo by Alvin Lenin on Unsplash

1.It started with too much free time and went back in time

I have had too much free time lately.

With my work in silent period (major stakeholders on vacation), freelancing projects more or less completed and Start-Up abandoned, I have too much free time these few weeks.

I started to think what I should do to waste all these time away.

And that was when all the thoughts started to come.

And it went deeper in time.

Firstly, it was just about things that happened recently.

And then, it went back a few years and a few years more…

And now, it reached my university life.

Now that we were here, I simply took my thoughts further, to pre-university life. 

Well, after a glance, I did not see anything I would regret and cry to change. 

So university time is where I would stop for now.

Photo by Jerin J on Unsplash

2.Never before

This has never happened to me before.

For sure, I regret things from time to time and wish I could turn back the time and change them.

But I never went back so far or wanted this much.

I had been generally proud with my journey.

There were up-and-downs and stupid mistakes were made here and there. But I got myself here from a small village after all.

Now, I just could not stop thinking how I could put my university time to better use and how I could more carefully plan my career etc etc

Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

3.What does this mean?

I am not sure what this entails.


A sign of being too unsatisfied with reality?

Being unsatisfied with reality will push people to dwell in the past.

But things should not be that bad for someone who has too much free time and not many worries in life.

Or maybe I just do not realize what is going on deep down.


A sign of becoming even less mature compared to 15 years ago?

15 years ago, before university, there was a discussion in the class on “Which regret would you eliminate if you could go back in time?”.

I said to the teacher and class that it did not matter because it was inevitable to have regrets in life.

If we chose A, we would be wondering whether B was better and vice verse. And we could not choose A and B at the same time.

So this question was meaningless to begin with.

I believed I got praised. I was happy.

Now I am older and less mature.

Or I was just being naïve then.


A sign of feeling powerless and hopeless?

Feeling powerless and hopeless could lead people to wish they could go back in time and change things.

Even Superheroes and Mutants are no different, apart from that they actually did go back in time and change things in their worlds, aka movies and comics.

Does someone who has too much free time feel powerless and hopeless?

Maybe!

But not so much about the world, but more about himself. 

One thing within his control is the willingness to sacrifice and the actions to pursue, which is weak currently.

Or he just does not want it badly enough.


A sign of giving up and living in memories?

Giving up may not be the worst option.

The problem here is that there are no memories worth living in.

Or any memory is good enough. The key is to manage expectations.

Photo by Karl-Heinz Müller on Unsplash

4.Another possibility

Some who has too much time does not think he deserves to enjoy it.

So he feels the anxiety.

He could not just lay down and enjoy the break.

And he does not know what he could do here and now to improve his situation.

Well, the more accurate description is he does not believe anything he could do here and now can improve his situation.

So he is stuck in the middle, wasting precious life away on things he does not enjoy.

How complex life can be.

How incomprehensible man can be.

How simple it can become if he just stops giving a damn.


Till next time!

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