Dear readers,
Thank you for coming here!
This is the episode 2 of the “Good employee” series.
Instead of talking about several points in the same category as I did in episode 1, I would like to focus on only one point in this post, which came to me recently as really fundamental.
Stay independent in your work.
This should come before all skills and techniques.
Let me share my experiences first.
1. A Good Start
As a young kid, I was quite good at staying independent.
It was easy for me to resist lures, such as snacks, little secrets etc and intimidation, such as threatening.
I just did not like the idea of being someone’s “puppy” and running around following someone. I would rather play alone.
On the other hand, I did not enjoy the feeling of being the “boss” either.
So, growing up, I did not really have any close friends.
I was ok and sometimes even proud of it.
When I thought back, the reason I was able to do that was because I did not really have much “desire” or “fear”.
No extra snacks or not being part of a big group did not bother me much.
I did not need to worry about “bullying” either, partly because my mother taught in the school.
Instead, I had confidence.
I was able to convince myself that getting good at studies was the most important thing and I had the stronger ability to achieve that than most of my classmates.
Also, because my parents both had degrees, I knew more things about the world than most of my classmates too.
So overall, I was confident and perceived certainty for the future.
2. The "Uphill" Battles
Then I started a series of “uphill” battles: from village schools to town schools to city schools to university in China to Singapore.
Every time I got “upgraded”, I transited from being the “top” of my class to being the “tail” of the new class, simply because the resources available in new schools were so superior.
I told myself it was not my fault but I needed to catch up to show everyone that I was at least as good as them, if not better.
I kept succeeding through hard work. Given time, I could always rise to being among the top of the classes, which earned me respect and re-enforced my confidence.
Until I came to Singapore.
Very quickly, I realized the huge gap between me and my peers. And on the other hand, there was so much “freedom” and there were so many things to worry about.
Take badminton for example. I participated in the selection for my hall team and shockingly found out that some other participants played for Singapore in international games.
And the environment changed significantly as well.
There was no need to get full marks any more, because A was the best you could get anyway. And there was no teacher to monitor my studying hours.
And I needed to learn so many other things just to look “normal”, like how to place order in McDonald properly. It took me 5 or 6 “embarrassing” experiences to figure that out.
With a almost impossible target in front and all the “freedom” and daily “challenges” in so many aspects, I felt exhausted and “lost” for quick a bit, lost much of my confidence and decided to “enjoy” myself.
In a way, I am really thankful to the China education system. With as many flaws as it has, it allowed me to focus on that single goal — getting good grades. If not for it, I might have lost myself much earlier in the “Uphill” journey.
Anyway, in university, I indulged myself in movies, games and parties. For a long time, I thought this was life!
By the time I realized that school would not last forever and there was something called “middle-age crisis”, it was already the 2nd semester of Year 3.
And soon, I realized the goal was so far away. What’s worse, I had lost many of my “good habits” and lost even more confidence.
So after a “wasted” few years, I was dragged back to reality, which seemed even more harsh.
3. Lost without knowing
From that moment onwards until now, it has been another “Uphill” journey.
The difference is that, this time, I no longer have a clear goal that I am willing to go all out for and I set out with low confidence.
So I gave up the insist of staying independent (I do not know exactly when or where or which incident).
Sometimes, I guessed or even “analyzed” what my managers or colleagues wanted and engineered my approach accordingly.
Sometimes, I kept silent even though I knew the plan could be improved.
Sometimes, I even followed blindly because the other party helped me in other occasions.
…
It felt easy then.
But now, I could clearly see the “Price”.
- I limited the possibilities to learn. Sometimes, people would tell me to stay away from certain things. And when I listened, I lost the opportunities to learn.
- I lost my “importance” with certain people. People always value what they do not have. Someone who always follows is what they think they “have in the pocket”, will assign less weight to and care less about. They might be “spoiled” to a point where they would feel surprised and angry if I try to be different.
So how do we avoid it?
We need to realize and be convinced that taking the hard path is really the only path. It is not like we have a choice.
The reasons for my losing of independence are really just as follows:
- I want something I do not have
- I am not confident I will get it soon enough just relying on myself
- I fear that I might even lose what I have now
So equipment ourselves with below mindsets to take the hard and only path:
- Reduce “wants”. Recognize what we really need. There is no need to do things we do not enjoy to get things we do not need.
- Fight “fear”. Reality is harsh and even cruel. But fear will not help us. Bravely facing it and fighting it is the only way. On the other hand, stop to really think about the consequences and most likely we will realize that they are not as bad as we think.
- Lose “illusions” and “false hopes”. Relying on someone or even a system is always risky. When there is no clear logic and path to deliverables, it is pretty much guaranteed “illusions”.
- Realize the limited value of “dependence”. We may not get what we are fighting for or even lose what we have now, but losing “independence” is not certain to help. What is certain, however, is we will become less significant and valuable.
With the right mindset, below are some actions to start with:
- Be honest with ourselves. We are just as valuable as any other person and our feelings are equally important. We do not need to satisfy our own time, energy and feelings to “help” others. So before we say "Yes" to others, make sure we do not feel “No” inside.
- Establish boundaries. Be firm to establish boundaries. This is mutually beneficial in long-term relationship. The worst case is “explosion” type of conflicts when one party finally decides “I have had enough”. In this sense, it is our responsibilities to establish boundaries.
- Leave no room for ambiguity. Do not allow people to make empty promises to you. Ask for timeline and how he plans to deliver it. Even if it is bad news, it is better to know it and deal with it earlier rather than later.
- Improve ourselves like “there is no tomorrow”. This is the most fundamental step to ensure independence. Sufficient capabilities and options will boost our confidence and reduce our fears and enhance our happiness. And the only way to really learn is by facing the harsh reality and solve the real problems.
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