One Logic to Break Free from Abusive Workplace

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Dear readers,

Thank you for coming here!

It is not new that many people are subject to abusive workplaces.

I am no exception.

1.The “What”

The typical pattern for me is:

First, I want to be a very good employee. So I take everything on myself, even though I feel uncomfortable. 

If the boss is overly and unnecessarily picky on me (actually, many times it is because the boss himself gets picked on by his boss and tends to over-prepare and dwell on the details), I will force myself to think I am not good enough and need to improve my work.

If the boss has a work style that interrupts my life (e.g. calls after 9pm almost everyday and many times for completely worthless matters), I will try my best to adapt, on the expense of the wellbeing of me and even my family.

…

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After a while, I start to get worn out.

I start to feel annoyed. 

I start to question myself why I have to take all these senseless shit, even though I am already the hardest working one in the team and contribute the most to the boss’s agenda.

I start to fall into self-deception that the boss knows my commitment and all the support I have put in for him. He is going to take care of me on pay rises and promotions.

I might try to push back a bit. But more often that not, I am not firm or skillful enough and the result is things will just continue and the boss is even more convinced that he can override me.

This would typically last for a long while.

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Then, I start to feel really unbalanced.

I start to notice people who say no get better treatment, sometimes even on my expense.

Since I am so obedient, the boss sometimes makes fun of me in front of the team to entertain those who say no to him.

Or even more work is pushed to me because the people who say no wont do it. I have to do it without the needed support.

It would really tip the balance, when those people get promoted before I do.

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Then, I start to show.

At first, the boss might want to make it up to me because he wants the same level of support.

But only to a certain extent.

Maybe a little more money. 

Very rarely promotion. 

Almost never to my satisfaction.

The boss wants the same support, which means he has the motivation to keep me in the same place and continue to over-step.

Secondly, after so long of being obedient, the boss has the confidence he can override me this time too.

Thirdly, respect for an independent person is usually not there.

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Finally, it ends with a “BOOM!”.

So no one is happy.

The boss would think I am asking for too much and do not know to be grateful.

I would think the boss does not know to be grateful and does not recognize how much a help I am and how important I am to him (usually I overestimate myself). 

So with this type of mindset and totally different expectations, no meaningful conversation can be had.

And both side continues to lose patience towards the other.

Usually, it ends with my resignation and a burnt bridge.

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And in the aftermath, I realize how bad it is.

All those efforts, commitment and good-will, from both sides, go to waste.

And I realize it is at least half of my fault.

Maybe the boss would realize that too.

The bridge sometimes can restore. But a broken mirror is never the same.

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2.The “So What”

After so many struggles, now two things are clear to me:

1. I cannot keep acting like a “perfect employee”. So I might as well not start at all.
2. It is my responsibility to make sure the relationship is sustainable.

So now, I can usually recognize when over-stepping happens and I can put a stop to it before it goes too far, typically with just a gesture.

I think people respect that. 

Now, I may not be getting faster promotions and pay raises, but definitely not slower ones.

Strangely enough though, I still find myself very uncomfortable and even reluctant when I have to put a stop to overstepping.

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3.The “Why”

I still struggle why I keep falling into the struggle of “over-stepping” and why I still feel uncomfortable putting a stop to it even after I realize it is necessary after so many painful lessons.

A logic chain was briefly mentioned in one of the chats with friends.

And I think that might just be it.

So it all starts with the “Source of feelings”.

My “Source of feelings” is how the boss treats me.

I feel good when the boss is good to me.

I feel bad when he over-steps and make me annoyed, especially with no rewards at the end of the day.

So to me, the key to feeling good is how to make the boss be good to me and not over-step, better still with rewards.

The logical answer is that I need to be obedient and make his problems mine.

And nothing encourages the boss more to over-step.

While over-stepping, the boss might really believe I am ok with it or even enjoy it.

And I feel worse and try even harder…

Until one day, I have had enough and just need to break the chain.

Unfortunately, after being so long in the chain, the only way to break it is with a “BOOM!”.

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So the solution is to update the “Source of feelings”.

I feel good when I learn new skills and improve my value proposition.

I feel good when my family are happy.

I feel good when I do not need to do things I do not want to do.

…

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In the end

First of all, I would like to emphasize that none of the people mentioned above is evil. They are even very good persons.

Just do not go against the human nature and how the world works.

Secondly, if you are struggling with abusive workplace, I hope this could provide some reference to you.

There are so many things out of our control. But we can control what our “Sources of feelings” are.

To us all!

Till next time!